SWLC

Question: I clicked a banner ad for Underwood Deviled Ham and now I feel as though I have lost my soul. Could it be that the Devil himself is using analytics to prey on consumers of processed food? And if so, could charity work like washing homeless kids cars or participating in a Campbells Soup bucket challenge help me reclaim my soul? Thanks in advance.

Dear caller: Before I answer your question I need to make something perfectly clear, every single thing filtered through the lens of the internet is a deception. I learned this whilst engaged in a torrid messy affair with the internet which I then posted in a vlog (remember those?). They're around here somewhere, the internet tortures me with them occasionally.

If the internet told you there is a "devil", or that ham can be deviled, or that potted meat products are food, or that you have a soul to lose, then these are all lies. Do not believe them! A curious thing about the power of the internet is that it can corrupt even the most mundane of terms, 'analytics' is a good example. I think it used to mean something about measuring something, but be certain beyond doubt that when you see this word on the internet it means LIES. Nothing more.

If you decide to use a bucket of moist kittens to wash a car in a bikini then you have brought charity to yourself and your soul, as long as you keep it private and never let the internet know what you have done. If you like to exfoliate your bunions using canned cream of asparagus soup, that is also good for your soul. The only way you could share these experiences without risking eternal damnation from the internet is if you whisper them into your shoe and then burn it.

Short answer: The internet is a tawdry deceptive Harpie, ham cannot be deviled, charity work is fantastic as long as you tell no one, and your soul is safe with me. Thanks for your question, live free or die.