Straight to (Tech) Hell

Tuesday September 16th - Tech Support Bunker, Silicon Valley desert, concrete bunker #5, where dreams go to die.

Me: Hi this is tech support, Dave speaking, can I help you?
Them: I have a printer that just prints random nonsense and sometimes won’t print at all.

Me: Thanks for calling do you have the make and model of your printer handy?
Them: Yes it’s an HP LaserJet 1356, I’m trying to print wirelessly.
Me: Are you close to the computer you are trying to print from?
Them: No, it’s at home.
Me: Is that where the printer is as well?
Them: No, the printer is here in my office.
Me: Can you throw a rock and hit your house from your open office window?
Them: Ha ha, no I live about an hour’s drive from my office.
Me: (Making clicking noises) Thank you, thank you, can I help you with your issue today?
Them: What? I,.. um could you repeat that?
Me: (Turns on office fan and firmly sticks a pen into the blades) [crriackkkk!] Hello, I’m Dave, I’m Dave, option one is no longer a valid argument. Please press any key to continue. Your satisfaction is our goal, muffle the clamps and sport the calipers. Thank you, thank you, have I solved your issue?
Them: What?! Wait, hello? Oh wow,… [muffled] I think the tech support line is broken. Are you real? Hello who is this? Can you hear me?!
Me: (sound of snapping a keyboard in half) Thank youthank you thankyou, issue is resolved measure have tried turning it off and on? Plastic tab on the back serial number matches your employee ID…… halt code execute….. critical path exception please reboot master boot record….
Them: [muffled] Stupid IT robot! You suck! (click)
Me: LUNCH TIME!